dominicsmom

   The worst has happened. My Grandma has breast cancer. I don’t even know how to deal with this. If anything happens to her. I don’t know what I will do. She is the only person that has ever given a damn about me. I want her to be around to see the upcoming grandchild, and any other ones I might decide to have. She has always been so healthy this just blows my mind. I know she can probably survive it. But what if it comes back? What if it spreads? Plus she is 85. What if her body just can’t handle healing from this? I am pretty scared. I love her so much. I really hope everything turns out fine.

     Well I lost some more weight. Also back on antidepressants. The stress has been way too much for me to handle lately. I can’t ever get a step ahead. Bad luck just seems to follow me. To start out with my boyfriends mom was a really big bitch about the fact that I’m pregnant. Then we had a flea and then a bee problem. Then the lawyer told me there is nothing I can do to stop overnight visits with my sons father. I don’t care if he see’s him, but damnit my son is only two. He doesn’t understand the concept of an overnight visit. I think he thinks he’s never coming home. He is so angry when he gets home, I don’t know what to do. I lost more weight. So it’s up to nine pounds since I found out I was pregnant. I have been really depressed and fighting with my boyfriend a lot. Then the other day my Grandma found a lump. She has to go in for a mammogram next week. I have a really horrible feeling it’s going to be bad news.

   Well I lost another 2 pounds, which brings the grand total since I found out I was pregnant to 7 pounds lost. Sadly I am not actually trying to lose weight. Man I wish losing weight was this easy when I’m not pregnant. lol. Anyway tomorrow is my son’s 2nd birthday party. I am excited. I hope I don’t forget anything. I just want it to be perfect for him. I know he probably won’t remeber it later, but the pictures will mean something to him someday. I have almost got a whole photo album filled up with just pictures of Dominic. Birth to now. It’s a big photo album too, and I think I forgot to put any of the professional pictures we got done in it. So I have like 20 or so more pictures to put in there. We are probably getting more done in September too.

   Well me and the boyfriend almost called it quits the other night. Partly due to the fact that I threw his engagement ring at himm, outside at night, and he almost didn’t find it. But hey I’m pregnant. My hormones are all crazy. I haven’t been gaining a lot of weight at least. Actually I’ve lost 5 pounds. Don’t worry my doctor said it’s fine since I was overweight to start out. I never felt this bad when I was pregnant with my son though. I have kept up the walking and am hoping to only gain about 13 pounds the rest of my pregnancy. The doctor doesn’t see a problem with that thankfully. I just don’t want to weigh more than I did after I had my son. I feel like I am on the craziest emotional roller coaster. To make matters worse I am arguing with my ex again. He is such a loser. Dominic doesn’t want to go with him, and after the first overnight visit he went nuts. I have never seen him throw that big of a fit ever. He even cried through his bath and he loves bath time. He always comes back skanky and smelly. Then he slept till 12:15 the next afternoon. He has never slept that late in his life. He’s not even two. I don’t know what is right anymore. I just want to protect my son. 

   Everybody ready for the shocking news? I’m about 6 weeks pregnant. I know, so much for my weight loss goals. To make matters even worse….my boyfriend’s mom is being a real bitch about it. She basically said I am not good enough for her son. Then she told him I was just using him. Then she offered to pay for my abortion. I am not getting one just to make things clear. I am pretty much against abortion, at least for me. Anybody who wants one can feel free but I would never be able to forgive myself. So I have been so stressed out lately. I also got my engagement ring, but ofcourse his psycho mom wants us to split up. I am so freaked out. What if I wind up being a single mom of two kids?

   Well today my boyfriend, my son, a couple friends and their kid ar going to Six flags. I don’t know how well I will like it. My stomache hasn’t really been the same when it comes to rides, since my gall bladder surgery. Guess I’m just getting old. lol. I just hope I don’t spoil it for everyone else. I slept maybe three hours last night so by the time we get back I should be exhausted. I don’t know what my problem is. I wasn’t overly excited, and I was tired. I just couldn’t get comfortable, and my stomache had that weird tossy turvy feeling. I feel better this morning. A shower can make all the difference. By the way I have never been to Six Flags so this will be an adventure. At least I am bound to get plenty of exercise walking around there.

   I need all the help I can get. Because…..I am getting married! April 5ht 2009! I am really happy. I should be getting my ring here in a few weeks. I have lost a little bit of weight. I think it is because I am not taking Seroquel anymore. Don’t worry my psychiatrist knows. I am not taking birth control anymore either. That’s why I stopped taking the Seroquel, it just wouldn’t be safe. I am trying to quit smoking again too. Wearing a patch right now! Wish me luck! I have really been trying to be more healthy lately. I don’t know if it’s working but at least I feel better about myself for trying. My son’s second birthday is coming up next month. I’m doing a Thomas the train theme. He loves trains so much. I guess you could say I am under a lot of stress.

   The last two days I have been getting lots of exercise, trapsing through the woods in search of mushrooms, which are also good for me. lol. Two birds, one stone. I don’t really feel like I have lost any weight though. Maybe I just have my brain set on paranoid, or fat. I have been drinking lots more water. I have cut down on the amount of cigerettes I am smoking. I was smoking about ten a day, now I only smoke one or two, on a bad day no more than five.

    I really wish I would stop having crazy dreams. Last night I dreamed my boyfriend suddenly became obsessed with my friend and broke up with me to try to get with her. I think the dream is just symbolizing my insecurity. The recent weight gains have probably taken a toll on my confidence. Also he has been losing a bunch of weight since working at his job, but I haven’t. And now he weighs like 30 pounds less than me and is lots taller. I guess I am just feeling a little self-conscious. My stop smoking quit date is Saturday. Wish me luck!

   Well my step father called the cops on me twice, because he got in my face and was screaming at me and I yelled back. Well geez what was I supposed to do smile and say God bless you! That isn’t me. Luckily he has moved clear out to California. Sadly, he has left my mom. I feel bad for her. Anyway me and her are going to quit smoking and go on a diet together. So things aren’t too bad around here. I had some struggles with my weight while he was here though. Also now my blood pressure is up so wish me luck with shedding some pounds. Hugs to everyone for all their support!